sixgunsound: (Default)
I got a 163 on the verbal section, and a 154 on the quantitative (lol, the exact same thing I got on my practice exam).

Apparently people are supposed to be a lot better on the quantitative section? Because my score is better than only 67% of the population, but my verbal is better than 93%?

Either way, I'll take it, since (in the old way of scoring) I got a 650 on the verbal and a 690 on the quantitative, and I only needed a 475 in one section and a 400 in the other to get into Graduate school.

Now I just need to figure out how to write a resume for Graduate school, give it to the person I want to be my advisor, hope he likes it enough to say I can work with him if I get an Assistantship (he probably won't, I haven't done any research, so that's...not good), get three people to write me letters of recommendation, and turn everything in by the 31st...
sixgunsound: (Default)
I have to have one more class in the Psych department to get a Psychology minor. Of course, they are all full, don't fit into my schedule, or have prerequisites that I don't meet. So I email this person about getting into an online Advanced Statistics course. She's the head of the nursing department and I guess designed this class for nursing students? I emailed her last Wednesday and she never responded. Yesterday I called her office - she's out of town until Monday (they day registration closes) and I'm also told the class is full.

BUT HOW CAN THE CLASS BE FULL? It says it has six open seats on the registration site! I emailed her again today and this time she told me the class was full. But there are still six open seats.

I am so pissed off right now. 

Also, on Sunday, I discovered that if I want to get a position as a Graduate Assistant, I have to apply to Graduate school by February 1st. I haven't even taken the GRE yet. (I scheduled it for Friday, but it takes 10-15 days to process and score, so it might not get there on time.) I don't have any letters of recommendation, either.

I finally talked to the teacher I want to be my advisor and he basically told me - I have a lot of students from outside the school wanting to come work with me, this is an advantage as they want to work with bats; you have an advantage because you come from inside the school, but you have no research experience. 

At this point, I wonder if it would be worth it to stick around for another semester, take one fucking Psych class (or get into the goddamn Biochemistry lab that I wanted) and just do a fuckton of research. 

I hate everything about life.
sixgunsound: (Default)
The hot chocolate I poured a liberal amount of Jim Beam into tastes like bananas.

...not sure if want :/
sixgunsound: (Default)
And I'm all, "Hah, sucks to be you, I don't go back for another week!"

But then I remembered I go back in a week, and don't even have my schedule finalized...I rescind my mocking laughter. :(
sixgunsound: (brain jar)
Like, I have the saving money and holding a job and not-fucking-up-my-life aspect down.

But goddamn, I need to take better care of my house.

I get lazy and depressed and let it get filthy and then never have the energy or time or inclination to give it the deep scrubbing it desperately needs and then I live in squalor for months and it gets worse and I have even less desire to clean it. And then once I do start cleaning it I just get pissed at myself for letting it get so bad.

I mean, I seriously removed about six plastic grocery bags of garbage (not like...rotting food, just paper and plastic detritus, but still). And I'm not even close to being finished. I have a literal pile of recycling in the middle of my living room because I have run out of energy to clean. I'll get to it tomorrow morning after work, but even looking at it is offending me. I still need to vacuum and scrub the kitchen and clean a bunch of other shit but it's just so daunting.

I forget how nice it feels to have a clean house. WHY CAN'T I JUST KEEP IT CLEAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?
sixgunsound: (Default)

My mom and step-dad wanted to come down for Christmas Eve and Christmas because my mom is working every single day surrounding the 24th and 25th, and I am working the 24th and 25th. So they thought they'd come down to visit me.

They invited themselves, of course, and I wasn't happy about it. It would have been a terrible situation. I wouldn't have been able to spend any time with them and would have felt guilty because they drove 200 miles to see me, and I would have been angry for having been put in the position where I felt compelled to entertain them (or else they would be noisy and wake me up while I was sleeping) and I wouldn't have gotten enough sleep to deal with the 100 dogs we'll have at work. They would have denigrated me constantly on how clean the house is, now matter how much I scrubbed it. It just would have been Bad.

I was finally able to convince them not to come by telling them my plumbing was broken again (and it was, worse than the first time (which it returned to yesterday) because the toilet didn't flush at all for nigh on two weeks) but then I got bitched at for not calling a plumber as if I could afford one.

But now, because of course I'm on my period over Christmas (so much pain - I've actually almost fallen over four times in the past hour due to cramps. Work is going to be so much fun tonight.), I'm feeling really lonely and it's awkward reading all my friend's posts about being with their families and how happy they are, or even how much they're fighting. This will be my first Christmas alone. My first holiday alone, actually. And I just want to spend it with my family, even though I think Christmas is a stupid holiday and just :( 

It's illogical and irrational. And I don't even mind working because I'll be rolling in money this month, which will make my life so much easier. It just sucks. 

I hate that I get lonely, it makes me feel dependent on people and that's never a good thing.

On another note: Jesus fuck, LiveJournal, what the hell did you do to your comment sections? How am I supposed to read kink memes now?

sixgunsound: (Default)
Do any of you guys write Teen Wolf fanfic? I've had two ideas for a fandom I've been part of for a week. (And none for Supernatural ever, because apparently there's something wrong with my brain?) But I don't write fic. And I need this to be written. 

....So one of you should do it for me.
sixgunsound: (six gun)
Please let it be known that on the nineteenth day if the twelfth month, I, [ profile] sixgunsound, have begun studying for the dreaded GRE.
(You may now continue to go about your business.)
sixgunsound: (Default)
How many times I think about dropping everything in my life and becoming a rock star.

Bringing actual rock back to rock music. Singing about hot women, hot cars, loud music, and living life to the fullest. None of this pop-ified crap that people pass off as rock music because it isn’t a real genre anymore. And none of this angsty my-life-sucks that those desperate for a great guitar riff turn to in desperation.

I’m talking the music you use to replace therapy, screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs by yourself in your car, banging on the steering wheel, rolling down your windows just to share it with everyone music.

Because if there’s one thing I’m as passionate about as science, is Rock and Roll.

But then I remember that I have the voice of a choir girl, and I'm not a bad ass, and I can't play guitar. And then I quietly step back into my lab coat, and keep listening to the classics wistfully.
sixgunsound: (Default)
I did everything I wanted to: baked a pie, went out to eat with my mom, went to my Aunt's. I was only in St. Louis for less than 48 hours, but I also got to go to the Star Trek Exhibition with my dad and uncle! It was amazing. Ugh I want to go again and get pictures taken on the bridge and then hang them in my living room I NEED THIS.

Also my dad bought me a Star Trek Academy tee-shirt :D :D :D

(I think, that as much as I love Supernatural, the Star Trek universe is my most favorite. *dreamy sigh*)

(Yes, I'm aware this is belated. I kept forgetting that I meant to write this because I suck.)

(Also my pie was fucking delicious.)

(Also also, what the hell am I going to do with ~6 cups of pumpkin puree + another whole pumpkin?)
sixgunsound: (Default)

This is why I can't have nice things.

(This is why I rarely use my LJ.)
sixgunsound: (Default)
(I'm so sorry.)

This last week was terrible, to say the least. I had three tests (which is normal, though usually not Physiology and Biochemistry in the same week...) but what really made it stand out was 

1) my plumbing being completely busted, and
2) the fact that I may not be able to graduate next semester.

Let me start from the beginning, with point 2. 

When I registered for classes the summer before my first semester in college, I knew that I wanted to do Biology. I continued blithely on, thinking I had been registered for a Comprehensive degree, when in reality I was non-comprehensive. Which requires a minor. Cue my horror when I completed a degree audit the day before registering for my last semester of undergrad, and saw, in small print, oh, hey, you need to complete a minor.

Okay, I thought. I had been planning on getting a Biochemistry minor, anyway, no big deal. I'll just register for the lab and everything will be taken care of. WRONG. When I registered, the lab conflicted with another class I was taking - the lab ended right as the other class began. But that shouldn't be a real problem, because the lab is four hours long and labs almost never take the full amount of time. Also, the classes are in the same building. It totally would have been fine. So I emailed the lab professor asking him to let me in. He never responded (I mini!ranted about this last week...). I finally got his office hours (they, of course, weren't posted on his office) and met with him. He was really nice, and he let me into the lab! Yay, right? Hahah. No. The lab's time and date had been switched from one that fit (barely) into my schedule to one that interfered with two classes. So I can't take it. Which minor? Yeah, that's exactly what it means. And I couldn't switch into one of the comprehensive major options because most of those classes weren't offered, and I'd have had to take nine extra hours.

So I panicked. For about 5 hours, that's all I did (instead of studying for my tests, of course. Priorities.) But then I realized - one of the classes I was taking (that had a really odd schedule and took up a large chunk of time) I didn't need. I have more than enough upper-level BIO classes to fulfill my degree requirement. So I think I figured it out (I have to beg to be let into a small, full, Analytical Chemistry class, but I'll have a minor.) So...yay?

As for my plumbing. Nothing would drain. There was a clog in the main line. The washing machine drained into the tub. Any time a large load of water was dumped into the pipes (showering, washing clothes, washing dishes) the toilet wouldn't flush. And then last week it finally completely stopped working. And I couldn't afford a plumber to come fix it for me. But I'm 95% certain that I've fixed the problem (enzymes, man, they are magic) and the toilet is flushing and I can take a shower and wash my clothes and everything will be magic.

So yeah. My freak-out from yesterday was very closely tied with the fact that the last week has been even more Hellish than usual and I just really, really need a vacation. (I'm still upset.)

But, in other news. I got a 100% on my Psych test, and a 90% on my Biochem test! (No idea yet, on the Physiology...)
sixgunsound: (six gun)
Apparently we are all "required to technically work on Thanksgiving" and I bet Christmas is going to be the same.

God, I'm so upset that I'm in tears right now. I just want to have a vacation that lasts longer than a day and a handful of hours. I'm so tired all the time and I'm stressed. My hair is falling out in clumps because all I ever do is work and study and go to school. I'm losing more weight than I should be by just cutting out (most) caloried soda and I'm just so very, very tired.

My manager was all perky "at least you don't have to come back in until Saturday at 9!" My /normal/ schedule. Does she not understand that means I have to drive back Friday night or Saturday morning at the LATEST so that I can get enough sleep to get me through nine hours of janitorial work?

I just really hate my job sometimes. I can't tell them that I won't be there because what if they fire me? I need this job to (barely) survive. If they had just told me more than /four days beforehand/ that is be working an extra day I wouldn't be so pissed. But I made plans and now I'm going home for a day and a half and it's honestly not even worth the money it will cost.

The worst part is when you realize that this is all there is. You work until you can't anymore and then you die. Maybe you'll get really lucky and find a job that you don't loathe and that doesn't kill you slowly, but you probably won't. Let's not delude ourselves. You'll work every day just to make it by, and then you'll retire when you physically can't anymore, and that's all life is.

I'm sorry this is so angsty.
sixgunsound: (Default)
  • study Physiology and Biochemistry frantically
  • drink tea
  • study some more
  • eat
  • study some more
  • more tea
  • more studying
  • sleep?
  • Go to classes
  • Study Physiology in those classes instead of paying attention
  • Study Physiology in the two hour break between classes and test
  • Take Physiology test
  • Meet with advisor right after Physiology test
  • Try not to sob grossly in advisor’s face about fate of graduation
  • Go home
  • Drink tea
  • Study for Biochemistry
  • More tea
  • Possibly dinner
  • Study
  • Study
  • Study
  • Sleep?
  • Go to classes
  • Study Biochemistry in them instead of paying attention
  • Study Biochemistry in the hour break between Physiology and English
  • Take Biochemistry test (try not to sob all the way through it)
  • Go to Mammalogy lab (and panic at all the animals we have to learn before the next test in two weeks)
  • Meet with Biochemistry lab teacher (?)
  • Go to the grocery store
  • Purchase alcohol with money that should be used for groceries
  • Go home
  • Drink
  • Supernatural
  • Drink more
  • Drink into a coma
  • Wake up for work on Saturday (or die)
I'll post about why I need to cry to my advisor later. Probably drunkenly on Friday. Be there or be square.
sixgunsound: (Default)
Oh dear god just kill me. I have so much to learn, it would be hard even if I didn't have two other tests this week. Studying Psychology tonight because the test is tomorrow morning...maybe if I go to all the study sessions for Physiology, and study it during my 2 hour break on Thursday right before the exam, I can study Biochemistry everywhere else?

Maybe if I just study for the next four days and do nothing else I can manage it. If I don't eat (which I can't afford anyway) I won't have to go to the bathroom, and if I don't sleep then I have all that time at night, and if I kill myself then I won't have to take any exams at all...

Why do my teachers keep doing this to me?
sixgunsound: (Default)
But not saying anything because I am really really bad at talking to strangers and friends and family and oh god why communication why that would ruin my ~mysterious air~.

sixgunsound: (Death)
  • I hate teachers that don't check their email. I have to jump through hoops to even have a chance to get into a class that I NEED to get a minor, all because this teacher never checked his email when I sent it on the day I registered. The lab is closed now (for some reason the Biochemistry lab only has 16 spots) and I have to go wave the email I sent in this teacher's face and, I don't know, force him to let me in? 
  • WHY IN THE FUCK IS MY PROPERTY INSURANCE ALMOST $1,000? I have a 900 sq ft. house. My mom has a 4,000 sq ft. house and hers is only about $1,200!!! Why? WHY?
  • How is it legal that my mortgage is over $600, but in 11 months I've only paid <$950 toward my principle? 
  • I am so broke. My mom was supposed to help me a lot more than she is with my horse's board and I'm so poor that I've been living off of shit in my pantry but I'm almost out. I knew this would be a bad idea, because I still don't really have the time to go out and visit him, but there's nothing I can really do about it.
  • Every time I have a test this semester, I have three other tests immediately surrounding it. My teachers all scheduled their tests in the same weeks and I'm so stressed. I hope next semester's scheduling is better.
  • I have to take the GRE (graduate readiness exam) a month, but I can't afford it without putting it on my credit card and I really don't want to do that. But I have to suck it up because I need my results to be sent to my school by February 1st, when I have to register for graduate school. 
I kind of just want to die.
sixgunsound: (brain jar)
I really wish that work had told me I'd be working 10 hours because of Daylight Savings, instead of telling me that someone would come in an hour early. I was not prepared to be there for ten hours. I wasn't even prepared to be there for my normal nine hours, but honestly that's pretty typical of every Saturday shift because I never get enough sleep. It's really hard to shift from a diurnal to nocturnal sleeping pattern in 24 hours. (Surprisingly not very difficult at all to reverse it, though.)
sixgunsound: (Default)
Surprisingly, this post has nothing to do with my sex and the horrible things that come with being female (even though I am experiencing them as I type this).

I walked past a reflective surface at work the other day and noticed just how very bad my kyphosis is getting. It looks like it is getting worse, which is bad, because pretty soon I'm going to literally be a hunchback (if I'm not already).

My kyphosis leads to a bunch of other problems, though. I get neck strain from looking in any direction but down when I walk, my sternum constantly hurts because my clavicles are putting pressure on it (and I can also pop my sternum by compressing my shoulder blades, which I have to do occasionally or pressure builds up and I cry), and most recently my right clavicle has been giving me a lot of problems. I thought it was from work, and the constant sweeping I have to do, but I think it's actually from my back getting worse. It hurts right where it articulates with my sternum and it's killing me. I can't lie on my right side anymore without it hurting.

You might ask, why don't you just stand up straight? And I'll admit, I have mostly trained my lower back (where I have lordosis) to stay straight. Let me tell you the difference, though. My lower back hurts no matter what I do. Standing straight hurts just as much as letting it curve as much as it wants to (which, let me tell you, makes my stomach look like I'm about seven months pregnant). Curving my shoulders back makes my upper back hurt a lot, when generally it only throbs with a tonic, lower-level pain that I hardly notice anymore. I am not mentally strong enough to train my muscles, and be in that kind of pain, for the amount of time it would take for me to stand straight unconsciously.

I don't know what to do about it, anymore. I'm either in a considerable amount of pain (because my upper back does hurt a lot, just not as much as my lower back) and I damage the rest of my body for the rest of my life until I'm crippled, or I'm in a fuckton of pain for about five years. And that amount would probably be a lot longer because I would constantly stop or forget or sob forever because it would just hurt so much.

Basically, I'm fucked.

Also, I think I'm starting to damage my neck because the curve is getting so severe I HATE EVERYTHING.