Apr. 11th, 2011

sixgunsound: (six gun)
I really hate my brand of depression. It seems I am either three steps away from suicide, or I just don't care about anything and I'm incapable of emotion. I almost hate the emotionlessness more because at least when I'm depressed, I feel things. I feel like a sociopath when I'm like this, I know what emotions I should feel in situations, so I fake them, but I just don't (or if I do, they are so ephemeral as to not have even been there).

I had to put down one of my kittens two and a half weeks ago, and I cried for a little bit, and then just...moved on. I was sad for about an hour and then I was numb. Last Friday, Alexandria and I went to see Donald Glover's stand-up show at school, and it was funny but as soon as we left I was back to this...blank slate, I guess.

I just don't care about anything.
Put down a favorite pet? Whatever.
Get a bad grade on a test (again)? Doesn't matter.
Get a good grade on a test? Okay, sure.
Best friend is falling apart in front of your eyes? Well, that sucks.

It's maddening. It's like my entire life is in gray scale, or like I'm living in a cloud of white noise. I'm just going through the motions, and I guess that's good because at least I'm functioning, but it's just...pointless.

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sixgunsound

January 2012

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